Wednesday, June 18, 2008

W/ Bated Breath

John Sidney McCain III's former evangelical endorser, Pastor John Hagee, firmly believes the non-existent Gawd made a pre-emptive hurricane strike against New Orleans in 2005 because there was going to be a gay parade that would be, per "Heart-Attack" Hagee at least, the naughtiest ever. Here in the Golden State tensions are mounting. If Gawd didn't set off the San Andreas fault and burn WeHo to the ground last month at the very moment the California State Supreme Court's momentous decision was announced, what horrifying, blood-curdling punishment awaits us from the vengeful war gawd of the Hebrews now that the "Sodomites" have dissed Him good by taking out licenses & marrying each other? Sacred hetero-marriage itself seems to have withstood the onslaught. No indication in the L. A. Times, at least, that any of yesterday's same-sex marriages (insert old joke here) were performed in a church or otherwise religious setting, although the liberal bias of the Times is evident throughout the story (meaning that there was no call for the deaths of any one involved in any of this). We can therefore assume that the liberal media is covering up the weakening of "sacred" institutions. And while the Times crowed gleefully that well over 2,300 licenses had been issued yesterday, as opposed to the usual average of 460 per June wkdy., it neglected to mention how many divorce suits were filed yesterday. Where's the most hitching going on? (I. e., which cities should Gawd-fearing non-Sodomites vacate ASAP?) Before we tell you, be advised that you're probably safe in Bakersfield. Between the County Clerk & Bakersfield Citizens Opposed to Obscenity and Lewdness, you should be safe, but make like a Mormon & have a couple yrs. of canned goods in the pantry just in case. Chances are good, however, that even residents of the various Neo-Sodoms in our midst will be struck down no matter where they flee, especially should they look back on the devastation, Lot's Wife stylee. (Hey, any of you bible scholars out there know her name or if she even had one? We always hear "Lot's wife," but she never has an identity of her own – no surprise, really, w/ the patriarchal bullshit of the bible – but the story would be much more effective if we knew her as a person rather than merely another of Lot's holdings.) Then you may be forced to do it w/ your daughters to continue the human race, or something. (Just why was that necessary, anyway? They weren't the last humanoids left, were they? It wasn't one of those Adam & SteveEve deals where everyone had to poke their siblings, if not their own offspring, to get our sad little species of frightened primates going, was it?) Your number is probably up already if you are a resident of any of these Sodomite-tolerating communities:
Among the biggest meccas for same-sex couples were the courthouse in Beverly Hills, a makeshift wedding center in a West Hollywood park, the clerk's office in Norwalk and San Francisco City Hall. On the Los Angeles City Hall lawn, City Council President Eric Garcetti presided at a wedding of two women, Shane Goldsmith and Monica Granados, who met and fell in love while working in his office.
Run!! Run like hell!!!

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