Thursday, June 28, 2012

Kardashian Courthouse Crazies

We love the recorded effluvia of loons, & here's a double dose.

This isn't really unexpected of Hollywood types. (We know we won't make a sex tape w/o a witnessing goat or sheep. Unicorns are nice, but optional.)
Kimberly's suit alleged Kardashian, Humphries and Sinanaj were making a lot of noise in the next room. The suit alleged when Kimberly looked through the peep hole, he saw them making a sex tape.

"It was weird because on the floor was barnyard animals staring at them, sheep, two goats, unicorn, and I thought they were there as witnesses," the suit alleged.

Kimberly's suit additionally asserts Sinanaj "was bobbing her head up and down with a voodoo doll in her hand," when Kimberly yelled through the peephole that he was trying to sleep.

"And Kris said, 'mind your business pip squeek' and I told Kris, ‘I got a sling shot' and ‘my middle name is David' ‘you are no Goliath,' the suit continued.

Kimberly said in his suit he would report Humphries to "JayZ, the Russian, and TMZ.com."

"And Kris went irate on steroid rage, ripped the door open dragged me into the room, put a shot gun to my head that he got from Nets player Jayson Williams and forced me to watch the three defendants have sex with another for 5 hr's against my will," the suit said.

The suit continued saying Sinanaj hit Kimberly with an RC Cola Can and Kardashian forced him to watch "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" reruns for six consecutive hours.

"I defacated on my self, barnyard animals snipped at my feet, Chris is laughing at me like the Jolly Green Giant, then a knock on the door, Kim Kardashian opened and it was Charlie Sheen, who had a bag full of ecstasy and set ‘lets get this party started,'" the suit asserts.

Kimberly alleged every two minutes, Kardashian would beat him in the head with her engagement ring, which he said caused bruises and a broken wrist.

"Kris put me in a pretzel, saying he is a chiropractor, and him passed gas in the room, and I passed out from it, and woke up at a truck stop, wallet gone, Kardashian lip stick all over my clothes," the suit stated.

"I'm violated, humiliated, and my voice is circulating on this Kim Kardashian Kris Humphries sex tape which puts me through public humiliation, I face imminent danger and bodily harm, I seek a restraining order from the defendants I pray this court for relief."
This goes a bit farther.
Romano's suit meanwhile alleged he "stumbled upon defendants" at a secret Al-Qaeda training camp while "deep in the hills" of West Virginia.

Romano alleged defendants pledged allegiance to Al-Qaeda, burned the U.S. flag, stomped on President Barack Obama's picture and then Kanye West performed a concert for all Al Qaeda members.

He also asserted Kim Kardashian launched a rocket at him and Bruce Jenner threw a grenade at his head.

"They all drank Jim Jones juice and then the defendants got shovels and were digging coal and fracking at mines in West Virginia to get fuel to make weapons of mass destruction and Kris Jenner was enriching uranium," the suit said.
We can't get affordable/mandatory mental health care in this country soon enough.

3 comments:

Weird Dave said...

Uh, is today April 1st?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

There was green alligators and long-necked geese
Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the unicorn

~

M. Bouffant said...

One-Eyed One-Horned Editor:
No, every April 1st we type that we've had it w/ the Internet & are quitting.

Fairly standard paranoid delusions, really. I talked to a woman in the '70s who was convinced Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis had stolen her Social Security & her dentures.

Popularity. Like Junior High. This is mostly because I'm curious. You should all be ashamed.