We Again Channel Larry King's Newspaper Column

On a personal note, I'm happy to announce that I've been forced to put pants & a T-shirt on over my usual attire of a pair of underpants...What passes for fall has arrived here, coincident w/ the Bank Holiday in the United Kingdom...Indeed, as this is typed @ 2342, the temperature has dropped below 70ºF for the first time in an eternity...Of course, September is the hottest month, so anything can still happen...(Ghack. Not even The Editor really gives a damn...At least he didn't use before & after pics of his sorry ass in his skivvies & w/ pants & shirt on.)...Here's a pointless fact: Europe is the only continent that does not have a desert...What about that Nicole Richie?...Only had to do 82 minutes...Is the American legal system now handing out sentences in minutes?...Could someone bring me some coffee?...Do you feel safer now than you did 20 minutes ago?...Think I'll let my belt out a little...Good thing I'm wearing suspenders...Blogger™ is now offering users the chance to post videos directly...Whatever...There's a really goofy dame on The Tonight Show W/ Jay Leno...No idea what her name is...And don't fucking care either...Stupid ditz...Heh...How much longer before people are living on the moon, huh?... They've been promising that for 50 years...But nothing yet...How safe do you feel now?...It always pays to be polite...My shoulder hurts...Someone bring me a Demerol™, would you?...Only one in four Americans read a book last year...Well, one in four of those asked...We read a couple this year...On-line...Speaking of which, I wish I had a laptop, with a wireless card, so I could read in the room with the chair made of stone...Hey, where's that goddam coffee?...I musta asked five minutes ago...What's wrong with you people, anyway?...Oh yeah, where's my flying car so I can fly to my condo on the moon?...I can't wait forever...They haven't made any good music since 1984...And most of that was crap too...Club soda is good for removing stains from something, but I can't remember what...Or what kind of stains...Thank goodness for dry cleaning...Did Starbucks© just stop making those delicious caramel Frappucinos™?...Without asking me?...Saw John (Johnny Rotten) Lydon on that clever show for the young people, Redeye, last night...It's on the Fox News Channel, so you know it's "hep"...And the host is a clever young man, for a homosexual...Although I wish he didn't share so much of his sex life with us...What's his name?...Greg something...Greg Gutfeld, that's right...A Jewish homosexual...How did he ever make it in show business?...And why doesn't John Lydon have that missing tooth replaced?...And stop dressing like a parking valet?...Hollywood has lost all its glamour...Look at that Brittany Beavers girl...Well, don't look, you might see something you didn't want to see...And that Lindsay Lolife...What's with her, anyway?...I just don't think it's funny at all...Now my neck hurts...I asked for a Demerol™ 15 minutes ago...Now it's 67ºF in here...Don't you agree, the commercials are the best thing on the television?...Ouch...I'll settle for a couple of Codeines™...Uhhmm, crotchless pantaloons...Is there anyone who doesn't like a slice of apple pie with a nice big scoop of vanilla ice cream?...I didn't think so...Is it nap time yet?...They say that dogs are man's best friend...Do you feel safer now than you did three years ago?...Na na na na hey hey...Handsome is as handsome does...Herb Caen my ass...Hey, are those Mormons wacky, or what?...If a dog is your best friend, what about cats?... And hamsters, what about them? One good turn deserves another...It must be nap time by now...Well, how 'bout a little drinkie-poo, then?...Just a little one...We give up.