How The East Sees Us (One In A Series Of Exceptionally Dull Pieces)

Saw this 18-odd hrs. ago. We were about to delete it but decided to look, figuring if we couldn't either gloat or bitch about the condescension involved, we could contrarianize & complain about the squares gentrifying the very murder out of the place, where's the excitement, good old days, you know.

The very first paragraph enabled us to go for the gloat, though, w/ no effort at all.

LOS ANGELES — Not since the Beach Boys were in peach fuzz and crew cuts has it been so safe to live and play in the City of Angels. Believe it: you are more likely to be murdered in Columbus, Ohio, or Tulsa, Okla., than in the nation’s second most populous city.

And of course,

in many parts of the city there are now more medical marijuana dispensers in Los Angeles than Starbucks outlets (regulated retailers creating an ecosystem of nonviolence)

Because at one time the streets ran red w/ the blood of innocents caught in the crossfire of the daily gun battles for weed-slinging turf among crazed herbalists. Guess the action's all moved to Columbus (Typo: Columbud, ha.) & Tulsa now.

At this rate, blood-chasing local television news stations will have to import footage from other cities to uphold their reputation for practicing the nation’s worst and silliest local reporting.

[...]

If a half-inch of rain calls for breathless TV updates and canceled social events, what would a serious earthquake do to the hard-won stability of the new civic order?

Don't worry, the local outlets will always find something bloody to share; at least the anticipation of violent death & carnage at the conclusion of an interminable high or even low speed freeway chase. (In what direction are traffic fatalities trending, we wonder, in contrast to the murder rate. Something's gotta give.)

When the eagerly-anticipated earthquake does hit, we're sticking w/ dystopia. People were loot-happy during our most recent riots (indeed, we're still kicking ourself for missing the Radio Shack & Circuit City that were in our then-neighborhood; the liquor stores were well protected by gun-wielding owners); if there's enough systemic breakdown & morbidity we'll see anarchy in L.A. as we have before. We can't wait.