They Never Learn & It Never Ends Well

We will grant that Texas, like Calif., was at least some form of non-Limey if not completely non-colonial republic before being subsumed by manifest destiny. (Also Hawai'i, though not a republic.)

As with any half-decent declaration of independence, the group's resolution has a list of grievances: Specifically, the federal government has failed the protect its borders, and "implemented thousands of laws, mandates and agencies in violation of the United States Constitution that have invaded the sovereignty of the State of Texas."

But wait: This story actually gets stranger. As the Houston Press reported, the Texas Nationalist Movement's secession rally is being sponsored by none other than state Rep. Leo Berman. You may remember Berman as the man who introduced a bill to force the President of the United States to prove his citizenship (again), and, when asked for proof, cited YouTube videos he'd seen because, "YouTubes are infallible." He's also sponsoring a bill to save state courts from the scourge of Islamic Sharia law.

Previously on Bizarro World:

The standoff was sparked April 27 when police arrested two ROT members--one because he refused to display license plates on his vehicle. McLaren's followers retaliated by taking as hostages two neighbors who had long clamored for the leader's arrest. After the hostage exchange, talks continued but have been unsuccessful, while McLaren's rhetoric has grown increasingly apocalyptic.

Fear of repeating the deadly clash between federal agents and Branch Davidian cult members has deterred police from raiding the compound. Also, police take seriously McLaren's claim that he coordinated with militias throughout Texas, who will react violently in response to a police assault. On Wednesday, April 30, police in Pecos, 80 miles from Ft. Davis, arrested seven men who were carrying explosives and guns and admitted they were headed to join McLaren.

We remember these losers sending "Mayday" on short-wave, as if a few more chump-ass crackerssovereign citizens from Idaho or wherever would make a big difference against the Texas Rangers.

In the end, surrounded by the forces of the mightiest nation on earth, the ambassador decided to abandon his ramshackle redoubt deep in a lower ventricle of Texas. He had sent out a "Mayday" on shortwave radio, calling on "any nation in the world" for assistance. "We have hostiles in the woods," he cried. "We are being invaded!" But no one came to his aid, and his supporters were beginning to trickle away. Even the ambassador's wife had decided to leave the combination lean-to and trailer that was designated the "embassy compound." Thus, shortly after 4 p.m. on Saturday, with barely the pretense of extraterritoriality, Rick McLaren, self-declared "ambassador, consul-general and chief foreign legal officer" of the separatist Republic of Texas, ended his 6 1/2-day standoff against America, laid down 10 rifles and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, and agreed to a cease-fire. In a nod to protocol, the plenipotentiaries who negotiated the agreement--otherwise known as the Texas Rangers--watched as the separatists ceremonially arranged their arms in a circle.

Condemned to repeat the lessons of history? These fucks should all be sentenced to eternal summer school. Preferably in a classroom in a Texas district where budget-cutting austerity has eliminated funds for air conditioning.