Well, Crazy Shelley Bachmann may be a bit to the Senator's right, but they all want to get their spawn married off to other Jesus freaks so they can get right to filling those quivers w/ little Xian arrows they'll home-school, so they won't get no ideas. Or spelling lessons. (Who are we kidding? She doesn't even know what the words mean.)
The apple of Shelley's eye is number one son Lucas:
... a pre-med school “chick magnet” at the University of Minnesota who has an affinity for Mexican dancing. “Areebah!” Bachmann proclaims at mention of this, suggesting that the Congresswoman's only knowledge of Mexican culture has been learned through Speedy Gonzalez cartoons. As soon as he gets into medical school his mom plans to “crank up the heat” in finding him a good wife to clean up after him. She even has a classified ad in mind: "Chick magnate (sic) needs wife to put him through med school, clean house, pay bills and run his life. Must be willing to gamble against onslaught of socialized medicine diminishing return on investment."Ha ha. She must be a lot of fun at family gatherings. "Here's your new niece, Aunt Shelly." "Oh, isn't she adorable! I hope Obamacare doesn't kill her before she grows up."
And: "My, little Liza Jean isn't so little any more, is she? Really fills those jeans. Good breeding stock, if I say so myself."
No, really:
Bachmann introduces her next daughter with an odd reference to plural marriage: "King Henry had his 6 wives, and if our Caroline had been one of them I think she would have been called Caroline the Vibrant." Mom offers little explanation for this designation, but goes on to reveal Caroline's waist size, saying that she "pulls jeans over her 14" hips," which sounds like a line from a mail-order wife catalog.And try as they might to fill their quivers & keep knowledge at arm's length, there are always one or two who get away. We have a guess as to which of Shelley's spawn will be the first w/ the tales of abuse: Sophia, the "sacrifice lamb."
Last comes Sophia, who is too young for a husband and therefore will have to spend the rest of her life caring for her crazy mother. "A hundred years ago families designated a sacrifice lamb that forsook marriage in favor of caring for aging parents," Bachmann explains. Those were the good ol' days, before penile enlargement emails.Jesus Fucking Christ. Read it, & weep for your country. (Or, if you are not cursed w/ a U.S. passport, laugh nervously while breathing a sigh of relief.)
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| Two more pp. at the link, masochists. |
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| We'd just as soon not know, but what is she covering up in Dr. Bachmann's lap? |
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