I Channel Larry King, Andy Rooney, & That Guy Who Wrote A Similar "Three Dot" Column for Candid Press ("The Hot Pink One") in the '70s

My, it's certainly warm today...Have you ever noticed that many celebrities, especially female ones, are quite attractive?...Why is that, anyway?...It is really warm, isn't it?...Is this whole mess just going to be questions?...I know I, for one, really like bacon...Is Larry Welk, the Chopper2 reporter, related to Lawrence Welk, the great bandleader?...It's so warm I had to dump some talcum powder down my underpants...Boxers or briefs, you tell me...That reminds me, should I do a load of laundry today or wait 'til tomorrow?...Don't eat liver, it's nothing but a sac of poison waiting to be cleansed from vertebrate bodies...I certainly hope that Paris Hilton doesn't get raped with a splintery broomstick during her time enjoying the bounty of the county...Read any good books lately?...It's actually almost hot out...I try not to waste water, but I might take a shower today due to the excessive warmth...It just occurred to me that the only reason I still leave the apartment on a daily basis to buy the L. A. Times is I like to do the crossword puzzle the way the Big Fucking Killer in the Sky intended, with a pencil & eraser; it's just not the same on the internets...Statistics say America's children are a bunch of fat, disgusting pigs...& I say the stats are right!...I also say it's not just very warm, it's hot...How much more space do I have to fill here?...Is it still just Tuesday?...I wanna be sedated...If I see one more thing I just don't like, I'm gonna drop trou & leave a big load right on top of it...a big brown load, if you know what I mean...and I bet you do...My generation is very different & much more special than yours, by the way...I certainly hope Paris Hilton doesn't have to break more than two tons of rock a day in the hot sun while she's enjoying that month & a half vacation at taxpayer expense...Damn, it's just getting hotter & hotter...In the real estate game, it's "location, location, location"...Are puppies cute, or what?...Even dead ones, if you pose them right...Hey, did the Dodgers (the beloved "Brooklyn Bums" of my childhood) win today?...Someone get me something to drink, it's awfully, awfully hot!...So glad to see the eternally lovely Jane Fonda making movies again...Which one of those loser-ass Republicans do you think will have his lunch handed to him a year from November?...Am I through yet?...I ask because it's as HOT AS A MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE, GODDAMNIT!!!...It must be spring...So soon?...Hey, you little punks get the FUCK off my lawn!!! I don't pay $5.00 an hour to have it mowed just for you little turds to leave your sneaker prints all over it!...What's with you young people today, anyway, with the shaved head look?...You all look like you just got out of a refugee camp after having your misshapen heads shaved to get rid of the lice and cooties...Really, what's up with that?...Is it just me, or is it hot?...Congrats to the ABC network for figuring out some programming that appeals to a more mature demographic: Bingo Night In America!...Can't wait for it, some real entertainment at last...Get in here w/ that talcum powder, I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree 'cause it is SO FUCKING HOT!!!