Shoot Us Now!

Uh, hang on a sec. Not right now, but if this awful, awful, person

In the corporate world, she is known for her competence and cunning. Instead of talking about her political experience, she talks about her business expertise—years of working on branding at Procter & Gamble, Bain, Hasbro, and Disney, all of which led her to create the "Country First" slogan for John McCain's presidential campaign, of which she was national co-chair. Her campaign revolves around the GOP standbys of tax cuts, deregulation, and gutting welfare as the keys to recovery.

is elected governor, we may beat you to it.

"Cunning." A euphemism for vicious evil & manipulative abilities. As confirmed by her experience as a "brander," corporate-speak for "lying sack of shit." And the invention of "Country First." Tell us again about how much you cared for your country, John Sidney McCain III.

Her recent stab at literary outreach, The Power of Many: Values for Success in Business and in Life reads more like Everything I Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten for the corporate set. The book is full of platitudes like "you can't buy integrity," "courage is contagious," "the power of validation," and "enfranchise your partners" but is very short on humanizing revelations. The few moments of personal trauma included are described in PowerPoint-ready sound bites: her sister overcoming a bout with mental illness is her "power of many moment"; the family's reaction to the disease's onset is when their "bias-for-action gene kicked into gear." When she refers to her marriage to neurosurgeon Griffith Harsh IV as the "Whitman-Harsh merger," it's not entirely clear whether she's joking.

We'll state for the record that she is a joke. How will Nut-Meg run the most populous state in these United Snakes w/ its huge, somewhere-in-the-ten-largest-economies-in-the-world economy, when

 Her two college-age sons, Griff and Will Harsh, have reportedly been tossed from more than one prep school, and a private dining club, and are said to have been banned from the dorms at Princeton. (If true, that means they would be forbidden from living even in the $30 million Whitman College dorm created by a donation from their mother.) Her camp has not responded to the Internet rumors about her sons' behavior—which also includes accusations that they casually toss around the N-word. This makes Whitman the latest in a chain of female candidates who have had to answer for errant family members, a list that includes Palin, Hillary Clinton, Claire McCaskill, Dianne Feinstein, and Geraldine Ferraro.

That sounds like a load of sexist twaddle. Unless they're trying to smear Chelsea Clinton, we'll figure that the Hillary C. reference is to her brother (Or was it brothers? Who remembers or cares?) whose errancy can hardly be laid at Secretary Clinton's feet. The list of male pols whose relatives & offspring are less than ideal runs from here to Billy "Beer" Carter's gas station.

And "branding?" The real, original Whitman College. (One of our many alma maters, if a school from which one didn't bother to graduate can be called one's alma mater.) And the bogus Whitman College, at Princeton. That's some clever "branding." (We are assuming that Nut-Meg is not related to Marcus Whitman, the namesake of the real Whitman College, as Marcus & some other honkies were righteously massacred at his missionary outpost near present-day Walla Walla in 1847 by the people who lived there already.)

Despite a personal fortune topping $1 billion, her campaign has centered on slashing state spending. She's written op-eds declaring she'd hack away at welfare by imposing "stricter sanctions on adults who fail to meet work requirements." She's also said she would suspend the state's pioneering greenhouse-gas emissions restrictions. Her book is peppered with words like "value," "lean," "streamline," "frugal," "minimizing," and "budgeting."

That right, welfare layabouts, the unemployment rate is in the negatives, so put that walker down & get a job! Can't you hear the buzz-words?