Friday, October 25, 2013

Pants, Jerry Patterson's,
Pooping & Pissing Thereof

W/ .22 Magnum in boot, "tongue in cheek," & head in aging pasty-white keister, Texas scaredy-cat & Republican Lt. Gov. hopeful Jerry Patterson recently called for expelling the four wealthiest (probably, you could look it up) states in these United Snakes from these United Snakes.

Why? Need we again head south to give the fans of slavery another beating? They do seem to have forgotten all previously administered beatings, from the Civil War to the Civil Rights & Voting Rights Acts.

The Ledeen Doctrine (or Theory of Fascist Bullying) may apply here: Every ten yrs. or so the Federal Gov't. should make an example of a smaller tax-sponging & parasitical red state by throwing it against the Mason-Dixon Line to show the other cracker states we mean business & they'd better join the 20th century pretty damn soon (Before we're a quarter of the way through the 21st century, maybe?) as the majority of Americans are getting very, very tired of waiting for the (semi-)former Confederate states to get out of the 19th century.

But enough happy thoughts, let's go to the quotes:
On guns: He always has a .22-caliber Magnum in his boot and sometimes a .380 in his waistband. “It’s like a smoke detector: You don’t turn it on just for when you think you might get a fire.”
Is good ol' Jerry expecting the original settlers to go off the rez & raid Austin? Fantasizing he's an undercover narcotics detective? Protecting himself & his family from monsters that actually are under the bed? Maybe he's afraid the ghosts of Gen. Santa Anna or Charles Whitman are on their way back. Cut to the chase: What's wrong w/ him?
On the Endangered Species Act: It protects “critters that probably ought to die anyway. I mean, the blind salamander? How long are we gonna let that little bugger last?”
What can he be overcompensating for, w/ the guns & the big talk? Jerry feels threatened by a blind amphibian. (How sad/lame is that? Childhood trauma?) But he showed the little bastard, didn't he? "You oughter die, critter!" ("Critter" not, we suspect, used ironically at all. Unless he's another Yankee phony dumbing it down to pass among the rubes.)
As a member of the state Senate, Patterson was author of the concealed handgun law in 1995. And he’s been a bullish proponent of 2nd Amendment rights, including the right to carry guns almost anywhere – including the Capitol in Austin. When a colleague suggested the best way to keep someone from firing a gun inside the Capitol is to ban weapons from the building, Patterson had a different idea: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to return fire.”
"I’m going to return fire?" Boy Howdy we'd like to see that. A state land commissioner so afraid of something/anything that he carries one or two guns is most likely to soil his diapers & dive under the furniture if a paper bag or balloon is popped in his vicinity. (Or "return fire" may only be a euphemism for releasing his sphincter.) And while the stench of wet & poopy Patterson pants would probably be intolerable (you can imagine his real American diet) the image of J.P. rolling on the floor in agony because he's literally just shot himself in the foot would be, as they say on television, priceless.
As for the lieutenant governor’s race, he faces Dewhurst, Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples and Houston radio show host Sen. Dan Patrick. The candidates are all appealing to tea party voters in the GOP as the most conservative candidate vying for the job. As for booting California, New York, Massachusetts and Connecticut out of the union, Patterson joked it was “a little tongue in cheek.” But hey, he told the AP why not? “Just think about how different our country would be if New York and California weren’t the tail wagging the dog. And those other states? It’s not America.”
Damn right a tail (w/ a population of about 68 million, well over twice the population of Texas) is wagging the dog. The concept of democracy seems to have sailed right over the Land Commish's head, but his grasp of wing-nut alternate universe-string theory mathematics is unquestionable. Follow the logic in this 11-dimensional chess: The loser Confederate states (minus Florida, just because) total 81 million. Stipulating Kentucky, Idaho, Montana, the Dakotas, Alaska & Wyoming as hick-infested solid-red states the total hick-state population hits 101 million. Under a third in a nation of 310+ million. Got that*? What's "not America" now?

Shorter the above: Another Texas village is missing its idiot.
*"Stats" from 2012 estimates here; liberally rounded, mostly up, so acurate to a million or so in either direction.

Bonus Thrilling Statistical Factoid: 2/5 of the states in our union each have less than 1% of the national population. And two U.S. Senators each.

4 comments:

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Expel four wealthy, productive states? As a New Yorker, I'd have to say about the South, we'd be better off without 'em.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I would love to give Texas back to Mexico.

Former governor Goodhair, you are now a Mexican citizen. Don't piss them off, airhead.
~

mikey said...

Wait. Big tough Texas Teabagger carries a .22 Mag and a .380ACP?

Now, I should say I am a fan of the .22 Mag, just not as a defensive firearm, or what my dad would refer to as a "people shooter". .380? Uh uh. Not a fan at all.

.22 Mag is a light recoiling, flat shooting small, cheap rimfire round that has better terminal ballistics than the .22LR without becoming bothersome to shoot. For squirrels, raccoons, possums, and various birds it's an ideal solution. It is NOT, however, something you would want to engage and armed human assailant with. You could probably kill them, but before they tipped over they'd have killed you, burned your house down and raped your dog.

.380 ACP is a typical European wussy round. Just as the .22 Mag is a .22 round in a larger case on top of more powder, a .380 (known in Yurp as "9mm Kurz) is a 9mm round on a shorter case with less powder and a lighter bullet. This is almost ALWAYS a bad idea (see the .40 S&W as an example), but you have to ask yourself who are they building this thing for? The list of people who can fog a mirror and can't handle a 9mm is essentially zero, so taking a 9mm round, which is at the very bottom of the effectiveness scale and reducing it's power, penetration and terminal ballistics is not a formula for success.

Y'know who used a .380? That's right, Bond James Bond. Who went to a gunfight in a Tuxedo because, priorities, right?

Weird Dave said...

As long as the Commissioner keeps on tucking that .380 into his waistband I can think of one thing it would be good for.

Popularity. Like Junior High. This is mostly because I'm curious. You should all be ashamed.