(Note to "culture warriors": Mr. Benny, born Benjamin Kubelsky (i. e., he was Jewish) made no mention of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or anything else, wishing his viewers only a "Merry Christmas." Not very traditional, that. Just when was "Happy Christmas" replaced by "Merry Christmas?" Whenever it was, the decline & fall of the American Empire can be directly traced to that unfortunate substitution. What is so wrong with maintaining our glorious traditions? Shut up, woman, & keep those damn kids quiet too! Why aren't they at work, anyway?)
And what should we spot on the parking strip but a lonely object, appearing at first glance to be a microwave oven. As we drew nearer, & confirmed that it was indeed a miracle of modern quick cookery, our mind flooded w/ thoughts: Did it work? Should we carry it to the House of Bouffant©, a trek of several blks., a bus ride w/ X-Mess drunks, then several more blks. on foot? Would we feel like a fucking dipstick if we dragged it home only to discover that it sat in solitude on the parking strip because it no longer functioned, rather than (as hoped) it had been exiled from its former kitchen home only because Santa had brought a newer model? Miracle of miracles & wonder of wonders, our questions were answered: Taped atop the "may cause interference to pacemakers" device was a message, written on an 8½" x 11" sheet of ruled paper torn from a spiral-bound notebook: "This is still working Please take it!!" Our questions were mostly answered then, though as a distrustful, cynical type we had nagging suspicions that it might be a practical joke of some sort, or a lazy slob's attempt to save a bit of space in his/her trashcans (doubtless overflowing w/ Yule effluvia) & be rid of a parking strip eyesore at the same time. But, circumstances being what they are, we brought the zapper back to the editorial offices w/ us, and found ourself to be the proud new possessor of a totally functioning Sharp Carousel II 500-watt microwave oven, model no. R-5880A, assembled in the USA in December 1986 from parts made in the USA & Japan. No Chicom slave labor involved, & no fancy digital processor bullshit either. No clock, no buttons to push, a simple manual dial timer, & a list of suggested times for various atomic heating tasks. All that this simple non-consumer needs.
And "needs" is the operative word here, the above-mentioned circumstances being that the gas @ The House of Bouffant© was cut off by the oppressive forces of capitalism several weeks ago. Fuck 'em, though! Coffee warmer than tapwater is back! And melted cheese! And pizza! And anything else that a bachelor can nuke! Chili! Canadian beef stew from the 99¢ Only Store! Hot chocolate, to take the chill of 40ºF temperature & 70 mph winds away! Whoo!!
Of course, were there any actual justice or karmic satisfaction, someone would have left a working devil-box w/ more memory, a more up to date OS & an ethernet card in our path, to replace the piece of ancient, slow shit we're currently using in lieu of the merely semi-ancient, able to use broadband devil-box whose hard drive died a week ago. Maybe we should start wandering the streets in search of one. Probably too late though, all the good ones will have been snatched up by now. Our wise cynicism remains unaffected.
No comments:
Post a Comment